Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Have You Lost a Loved One?

My mom passed away in May 2003 at the age of 47 when I was only 29, and my grandma passed away last year-August 2008 at the age of 76. Those were the two most important women in my life, so to say that I missed them would be an understatement. My Dad's side of the family were never close to me or in my life until my Mom passed away. I also have two brothers, and without them I would not what to do with myself at times. I was really depressed and distraught after my Mom's death. It took a long time to get over that and to get readjusted to life. We did not always get along and I held major resentment against her for the way I felt she treated me at times. Not treating me with the love and support that I felt I needed. Honestly it felt like I was kept around sometimes just so she could keep receiving a welfare check on me, and when I was too old for her to receive the checks anymore, she didn't want me around. But she was still my M0m, and I loved her very much. My dad had been an alcoholic all of my life, and he married another woman before I was 4 or 5 and had more kids with her. My brother has always been closer to him. He even went to live with him for a few years when he was about 14 or 15. We would get to know each other a little better when my Mom passed away in 2003. I handled all the funeral arrangements. That was hard in itself! She died with no insurance and I had to scramble to pay for the costs of the funeral. Anyway, my Dad came to the funeral and then his brother came to my Mom's old house when I was trying to clean the place up and sell some things. My uncle owned his own business and I eventually would go to work for him. That meant seeing my Dad on a daily basis. By the way, Dad had stopped drinking for a couple of years. He still chain smoked and sipped on non alcoholic beer all day. Essentially still drinking, because it still has a very small amount of alcohol in them. None the less he was trying, and that impressed me all in itself. A year or so later though, he would be back to being a full time beer drinker. I had started to think that maybe God had some kind of plan for things working out this way. You know over the years I didn't think about him that much. I was not overly obsessed like I have seen some people are on talk shows, etc. with not having a parent in their life. When our paths crossed though, I found that I had started to have hope for him. Now that my Mom was gone, it wouldn't be so bad to have a Dad right? It of course would not work out.I think that it just reinforced some of the negative impressions I had of him and maybe gave me some new ones.
Back to my Mom. During that time I just tried to follow my Aunt and Uncle's advice. My Aunt told me that I would probably never fully get over it. She was right, if I hear an old song that Mom liked for example , it makes me think of her. The other advice they gave me was just to put myself into my work and to keep moving. Not dwell on it so much! That's what I did, I worked my butt off at their company for the next couple of years. Now I wonder if their advice was somewhat self serving as well, but regardless it helped get me past it. I made a lot of money at the time as well. Money has always been a big motivator for me, and I liked having it!
My grandma (granny) had always been like a second Mom to me, especially after my Mom passed. I have to admit that I was a little mad at her for various reasons after the funeral. Eventually I would come around and get over it! I loved her very much and she provided love, hugs, and support that I needed even as an adult. I always told her that she could live to be 100 when she would have various complaints about old age and being sick. But God took her when He was ready! I would love to still have her and my Mom here! But with Granny, at least she got to live a long life of 76! I love them both, and God bless them! Grandaddy is still alive, he just turned 81. He has never been that social towards the family.He has had his good days though at times. He himself coincidentally is an alcoholic to this day. He like to be social at beer joints--lol--from what I hear!
I just wanted to tell a little about myself and this topic is something that has greatly influenced my life. I know that many people out there have experienced loss in their life and have dealt with it in different ways. In my next posting I want to share something I wrote for my Mom at her funeral. Granny always loved it and said she wanted a copy of it. I never did give her one! Although I spoke at Granny's funeral, I didn't read this poem there. It is fitting for her as well, so I thought that I would honor both of them by posting the poem/ letter.

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